Your spouse, parent or partner has a clutter problem. What can you do about it?
This question is hits home for me, as it is the reality I grew up with.
And this is a question that comes up a lot in decluttering groups.
You might struggle to understand why this person in your life is holding onto stuff that does not serve them.
If something is cluttering up your house and you don’t need it, just get rid of it, right?
Well, it’s not always that simple. If it was simple, this person would have tidied their house long ago.
But I would caution never to go in and declutter for them.
Throwing out someone else’s stuff not only puts you on the wrong side of the law, but it’s also a terribly invasive thing to do and could be very traumatic to the person concerned. Even if the stuff looks like a load of old rubbish to you.
And although I love to watch decluttering shows on TV, they promote the false idea that you can just wade in with a cleaning crew and skip and magic the clutter away in a day.
Of course, this may work if the person with the clutter is totally on board and doesn’t have a stong emotional attachment to their stuff.
But if they have been struggling for years to let go of stuff there is no magic wand you can wave to have it gone in a day.
So what can you actually do to help a loved one with a clutter problem?
The answer to this question will depend on how close you are to the clutter producer.
If it’s your spouse or partner and you are living with their clutter on a daily basis it affects you too.
This can be a source of conflict and breakdown in relationships, so it’s important to address it. But in a way that both takes into account your needs, yet also respects and supports the person with the clutter.
Whilst it can be tempting to point out all the mess your partner is responsible for, a much more effective and harmonious solution is to focus on what you can control. And that is your own belongings.
To help a loved one with a clutter problem:
- Focus on decluttering and organising your own stuff first. Lead by example. You may find that when your partner sees the benefits you are able to enjoy from a decluttered and simplified space, they are more motivated to tackle their own stuff too.
- Model good habits. This is especially important when you have children in the home, but can work for partners too! Let them see you being intentional with your purchases and periodically sorting, selling or donating the stuff you no longer need.
- Set boundaries. Give your partner or child some space to use as they see fit, and agree on a personal space for yourself and communal space which is to remain clutter free. That way they have a safe zone for their (junk/hobbies/stuff) without it spilling through the rest of the house.
To help a loved one who has a clutter problem but does not live with you:
If the person with clutter does not live with you, you need to be honest with yourself as to your role in the relationship. Ask yourself whether how this person lives is really your business at all?
Yes, it can be very hard to see someone you care for living in an environment that does not support their needs. But you may be limited in what you can do.
You may need to accept that this is beyond your control.
Quite often the clutter is a symptom of other issues. And It’s only when the person with clutter understands and addresses the cause that they can make any lasting changes.
So what can you do to help?
- Don’t judge. Someone with clutter finds it frustrating enough without their failings being pointed out to them.
- Offer support. Be aware that they might not accept it, but let this person know that you care and you are willing to help out should they want it.
- Offer resources. You may want to point them to this blog and my declutter coaching services.
- If the clutter is a serious problem it may be connected to a mental health issue. The charity Mind has a list of resources here. Their GP or a private psychiatrist should also be able to offer support.
What if the cutter is creating an unsafe living environment?
In some cases, the clutter problem gets out of hand and crosses into hoarding. This could be making the home unsafe. If this is happening with someone that you have a responsibility to care for, you may need to take steps to intervene.
- Educate yourself. The better you understand what your loved on his going through the better placed you are to help. Hoarding UK has some useful resources.
- Point your loved one to support resources
- If they are not in a position to help themselves and their home is becoming unsafe you may want to intervene. Remember though, this is not your space and not your belongings. So the person you are helping still has to be on board with the process.
- Request intervention. In the most extreme cases, if you are not in a position to intervene with the cooperation of your loved one you may need to request external intervention.
For more tips, you can check out this article at Help for Hoarders.
Hard as it may be, you may simply have to accept it. Unfortunately, perhaps your loved one will never live in the conditions you would wish for them.
The best that you can do is to accept and love them, clutter and all. And make them aware that you are there for them, judgement-free.
